Before races, training races, or even just big workouts … I want to quit. I don’t know if it is so much that I want to quit cycling, but, I definitely want to take the day off. It isn’t that I hate competing, I just hate the anticipation of it. There is just far too much to think of: what if I eat too much, or not enough; what if I crash; what if I don’t do well; what if I do do well!?; what if I injure myself? It may be my timid nature, my lack of experience, or maybe I am actually psychotic, but, I can’t stand that lead up to competition. Take right now for example: tonight is the third week of the training series at the New Hampshire Motor Speedway, and I have already considered saying “I am just plum too tired to go”. I mean, I am tired in the way that every day I have some level of fatigue or ability to sleep. But, I am no more tired than usual; I am just looking for a cop-out because I am nervous about the night. It’s a 15 mile ride out there, an hour all-out in a crit-style training race, and then the cracked ride home in a race against sunset. It’s a big day, riding either on big roads or in a high-stress event. I will go, and likely things will be fine. They are, 99.9% of the time, no?

Is this normal? To some degree, yes. Luna Chix pro team cyclists were interviewed about their pre-race jitters in this Women’s Health Magazine article. Basically, before races even the pros need to calm their nerves, but are usually subdued by their routine, music, confidence, etc. I am sure many amateurs get nervous, and some push though and some realize that the nerves aren’t worth it and they maybe stop competing and just ride for pleasure. If I feel this way all the gosh darn time, why do I keep doing it? Shouldn’t I only pursue something that I love doing? But this is the thing, I don’t hate the competition, and I cannot just dawdle around on a bicycle. Recovery rides drive me mad enough as it is! I love pushing the limits of my physical ability, but at the same time, how can I look forward to pain?? Hard workouts and races really hurt. And there is a lot of stress to preform well. I think people are more crazy to look forward to the competition itself – masochists.

I think I will feel better with time. When I competed in triathlons I had what, three in any given season? That seems like a fair reason to have nerves. But when I race cross 30 times or more a season? I should hope I will start to relax. You know what is a positive feedback? Nerves related to the PRP (pre race poop). You get nervous you won’t have it, you get nervous so you don’t have it. And we all know how crucial the PRP is. It doesn’t help my nerves being surrounded by people who give me shit for being nervous instead of understanding. Last year I was never really given the chance to find my own pre-race groove and had a lot of other added pressures, but I believe having a fresh new take on the season will let me try a few things to find what best suits me. I know I need to be at the course early, I know I don’t care much about warm ups, and I know I need to formulate strict guidelines regarding what to wear (What to wear: stressor #1 at every race, I swear.)

My plans for overcoming these jitters? Patience, time, and practice. I need to not get nervous about my nerves, I need patience that they will pass. I need time and experience. Most people I race against have many more years of racing under their skin suits. Finally, I need to practice my skills so that I have confidence and can approach any given race just knowing I will crush it. Next cross season will be a thing of beauty for me, I just know it. Nerves be damned!

 

In other news, the weight loss is going well. I am down to 140-141 lbs. high five, donuts for everyone!